Innocent Knowledge

There have been multiple times this week where I have thought about what topic to write about, and even though there is stuff going on in life, I don’t have much to share in the way of a blog post, but sometimes it’s just like that.
There isn’t much to say out loud, because sometimes it takes time for the things we experience and feel to come out as words or lessons that can be taught. Think of it as a work in progress.
Like watching a pot of water come to a boil.

Today I’m going to share with you, a log from this past June.
I was feeling kind of empty, and tired when I wrote this originally.
I was thinking about the topic of innocence and how it compares to knowledge. I knew that it was a topic that I would want to think about again so I wrote it as a log to myself.

I hope that you can resonate with my rants and the times when I am not at 100%. Because sometimes just hearing that someone else is struggling is enough to encourage you to keep on going.

Without further ado, let’s get starting with a few quotes by Winston Churchill:

Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.

-Winston Churchill

And:

Things are not always right because they are hard, but if they are right one must not mind if they are also hard.

-Winston Churchill


 

Sammul’s Log: June 9, 2018

Hey, future Sammul.
I’m sure you will be reading this when you’re looking for encouragement. Not sure what the situation is for you, but I hope it gets better soon.

I would like to share some of the things that you’ve been thinking about today:

Today you have been thinking about innocence, what it is, and whether it is better than experience.
You’ve been thinking about the day you decided to abandon innocence for knowledge. You know the day I’m talking about and I’m sure you’re thinking about it now.

You’ve been thinking about the foolishness in thinking that it is better to have “experience” in all fields rather than live in ignorance, or innocence if you will.

Is it better?

In some ways, you could say its fuller, because of the deeper comprehension of the world and the inner-workings of people.

But at what cost?

You can’t go back to simple obedience and ignorant faith.
Like Abraham after Ishmael was conceived. He couldn’t undo his defilement of God’s promise. Or David after taking Bathsheba from her husband. You might have the experiences and the correction that God brings in these circumstances, but you won’t be the same. Even though God can redeem a bad thing for good, (like Joseph in Egypt or the bronze serpent with the Israelites.) was it all you thought it would be?

Is it better? At what cost?

When I was in High School, I had a dream. In that dream, I believe that God made me a promise. A promise that He would provide me with a loving family and contentment. With a child, and rich blessings on me and everyone I know.
Friends, and celebration.
Life and goodness.
Contentment above all else.

This was a promise, but as with every promise from God, it comes with a condition. Like Adam and Eve in the garden or the Israelites in Jericho, you cannot touch the forbidden spoils. And just like both of those examples, what do I do?

I mess around.
I act like the choice is up to me.
Even though I saw and experienced the promise He had in store, I still stepped away. Followed my own intentions and impulses.

And why?

Because I felt that, even though He was promising a lot, it was at the expense of certain experiences. As if it required ignorance to be achieved.
I thought that if I followed the instruction of God, then I would be missing out on some great knowledge. Some great truths (or spoils) in the world that God was keeping for Himself.

So I tried riding the line between what was technically “good”, and what was “fun”. I thought that if I stepped over the line for a small time, then I could go right back and everything would be alright. Nobody would notice, and I would just be wiser and more experienced.
It would be easier to follow God more efficiently if I had experienced these things.

But just like in the garden, God showed up, and I realized I was naked.
Caught red-handed. In the act.
I didn’t want Him to see me, and I didn’t want to talk to Him until I was clothed and had my loss of innocence cloaked in my own righteousness.

Basically, I told myself and Him that until I felt like I was “purged” of the dark stench, I didn’t feel like I could talk to Him.
So I avoided Him because I felt like an abomination.

I was a fraud, and until I was prepared to devote everything to Him, I didn’t want to have any connection to Him.

I thought I was being honorable, and I didn’t want to live a lie.
Which made sense.

But that sense of honor, or self-justice, is what has kept me from understanding that we aren’t fixed before He fixes us. Nobody is healed while remaining filled with infection.

I won’t be able to fix myself, and it’s been years since I first began exploring this thing that has become a parasite to my faith.

We aren’t fixed before He fixes us

People like to give Adam and Eve a bad rap. But I understand what happened from my own experience. I understand that when a lie is well crafted to draw you from the light, it isn’t a lie at all. Rather it is the truth, but only through the perspective of selfishness.


Realizing that you aren’t all ok is a rough thing to deal with.
Whether it has to do with religious issues or not.

It could be coming to terms with the kind of person you are, or the example that you set, or your work ethic, or the way you treat others.

Humbling yourself to the point of changing the way you act is not a fun thing, but we will never change if we don’t constantly make ourselves new.

Here’s one of those quotes from earlier to wrap things up:

Things are not always right because they are hard, but if they are right one must not mind if they are also hard.

-Winston Churchill

5 Comments

  1. Thank you for being increasingly sincere when you write. It keeps me wanting to read more and more because it is all obviously authentic. Honesty is a high value and golly you’ve got that down pat. This was one of the best posts yet due to that authenticity.. To not be afraid to be in open about your messages you’re always telling especially in hopes you may encourage someone else you may or may not even know or ever know is more than great.

    “But that sense of honor, or self-justice, is what has kept me from understanding that we aren’t fixed before He fixes us. Nobody is healed while remaining filled with infection.”

    That quote hit me. Nice wording. Writing should hit people, metaphorically of course, we don’t need paper cuts here.

    I hope you’re okay though, and that in the time since you have created the blog from back in June that you have come to be in a less “empty” state. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Molly. The thing is, we all constantly go through ups and downs in life. This was written during a “down” time and was used to get all of that out of my head an on the paper instead. So that by the time the paper said I was empty, I would be a little more filled already. But I appreciate the check up.
    Thanks for the comment

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this and will be coming back to re-read it in more depth! I love your honesty and your ability to allow us, your readers, to relate to you on so many personal levels of struggle and self-examination.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. When writing something that’s from a personal low point, it’s difficult to tell how/if it will be a help to people, rather than just a sappy nuisance.
      I appreciate the affirmation, mom. 🙂

      Like

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